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J.D. Vance Probably Didn't Have Sex with his Couch, But He May Have a Thing for Dolphins

 

Donald Trump's bizarre running mate J.D. Vance has been accused of having sex with a couch, but its the dolphin population that should be worried.
J.D. Vance: Two thumbs down for couches, Two thumbs up for dolphins

Donald Trump's equally bizarre running mate, J.D. Vance, has been accused of having sex with his couch. That is not in error or jest. You read that correctly: the man who would be second in line as the leader of the free world has been accused of having sexual intercourse with his living room furniture. 

There is good news, however for the lonely Vance and for couches everywhere. It is all fabricated....maybe. While furniture stores may breathe a collective sigh of relief, it's the porpoise population that should be extremely worried. For dolphins everywhere, read on at your own discretion. Shit's about to get weird, really fucking weird. 

As most movements do these days, it all began on social media with the single tweet of a lonely and valiant stoner. Little did this hero know, one single tweet would begin a movement against Vance and couch fuckers everywhere. 


Perhaps motivated by the onslaught of lies frequently espoused by the right on social media, one Twitter god hit send and just like that made presidential history. 

If the Republicans can rally an entire political party around lies, why can't we do so for sofa protectors around the world? We are the United States of America. Does freedom not include furniture? 

To be fair, it may never have ever worked had it not fit so perfectly with J.D. Vance, a terrifyingly awkward man who does seem far too comfortable around couches and far too uncomfortable with the existence of women. 

All of this spread like wildfire, even unto the point that the most searched Google term that accompanied the name J.D. Vance was indeed couch. 

And the rumor set the internet ablaze, leading to some truly spectacular memes:



It's all rather embarrassing for J.D. and for Donald Trump, who picked the weirdo. Trump, no stranger to embarrassing scandals, is rumored to already lament his pick for Vice President. 

The whole fiasco even led to the AP publishing an article confirming that J.D. never had sexual intercourse with his couch, but then it was pulled. Why? Because the AP cannot confirm that J.D. Vance never did. Though it appears nowhere in Vance's disastrous book of lies, Hillbilly Elegy, it is possible that J.D. Vance did indeed get romantic with his couch and who is anyone to really say otherwise? Just glancing at Vance, he does look like a couch fucker. We can't confirm either way. 


This all leads us to Flipper, as in dolphins. Earlier this year, Vance posted this image featuring a woman and a dolphin with the caption, 

"Woman gets violated by a dolphin and enjoys it." 

Vance, himself, added, 

"Maybe the internet was a mistake." 


Only Vance incriminated himself by his own posting. His screenshot showed the words "woman" and "dolphin" emboldened, giving away the fact that Vance actually searched for the terms. For whatever reason (use your imagination), Vance was searching for the terms "woman" and "dolphin." In his lonely quest, he "randomly" found dolphin pornography featuring a woman being "violated" by a dolphin. 

Randomly. 


Randomly.


We would like to extend our condolences to dolphins and sofas everywhere. Our thoughts and prayers are with Flipper and the rest of the porpoise population. We strongly urge sofas and couches to wrap in plastic for extra protection, if J.D. ever happens to be in your vicinity. If J.D.'s penchant for fucking odd things proves anything, nothing is safe from the least popular Vice-Presidential pick in American history - not us, not furniture, and certainly not porpoises. 

To us, a mere dolphin. To J.D. Vance, a sex object. What has the world come to? 


FURTHER READING: Who Is J.D. Vance? 





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